It’s Valentine’s Day and it is the 9th one I have celebrated with my wife. Actually I married myself on July 20, 2012 and we /I have been deeply committed and in Love ever since. This Valentine’s Day I fell back in love with me. In the past 9 years, we have had heartbreaking losses, celebrated many wonderful occasions and we continue to discover and uncover and excavate who we are together. This year has been horrific – I lost my precious daughter Tovah to cancer during this pandemic. I was buried in my grief, confused, angry, heartbroken, lost, found, held, alone, not alone, supported, unsupported, scared so scared and at the same time hopeful.
At 58, I launched my website – 60 in the City (well almost) and now I am approaching my 65th birthday. My dream 7 years ago was to motivate womyn to believe that anything was possible, to believe that we are not our victim story, that we find Joy in the simplest things. I wrote about marrying myself, about a staycation in this fabulous city of Toronto. I wrote about traveling for free by working as you go. I wrote about my home – only 400 square feet. I wrote about my struggles with weight and with health issues, I wrote about things that confused me like people who don’t cook or older womyn who think they are invisible. I wrote as I traveled sharing my adventures. I wrote about my grief. This past year I have been writing letters to my granddaughter Harper Rose. I’m writing her because it fills my heart but also because I am afraid that I will forget as I age – that I will forget the fun and the stories that we are sharing together.
This weekend I found my personal beauty again – pandemic hair, a healing eye and all. I put on red lipstick. I put on makeup. I polished my nails. I got dressed just for zoom. It is a weekend Kohenet (Hebrew Priestess) retreat. It has been a long time since I saw myself in that light. Being able to look in the mirror and smile and see me as I see me – feeling beautiful, confident and content. I have been looking in the mirror everyday for about 10 days and saying a positive mantra and a series of things that I am blessing including my eye and my medical situation. For 2 ½ months I have been dealing with the retina of my left eye that has detached 3 times causing significant scarring. I had to position in bed for more than 3 weeks – first on my right side, next face down and this last time face down or facing right. “Bless my left eye, bless my medical situation and ending with I am ALREADY healed, happy, loving, wealthy, successful, confident, physically and emotionally well. This is my affirmation.” Every day I felt a sense of joy and well-being returning to me.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Sweetheart. I love you.