Loving Yourself First

It’s Valentine’s Day and it is the 9th one I have celebrated with my wife. Actually I married myself on July 20, 2012 and we /I have been deeply committed and in Love ever since.  This Valentine’s Day I fell back in love with me.  In the past 9 years, we have had heartbreaking losses, celebrated many wonderful occasions and we continue to discover and uncover and excavate who we are together. This year has been horrific – I lost my precious daughter Tovah to cancer during this pandemic. I was buried in my grief, confused, angry, heartbroken, lost, found, held, alone, not alone, supported, unsupported, scared so scared and at the same time hopeful.  

At 58, I launched my website – 60 in the City (well almost) and now I am approaching my 65th birthday.  My dream 7 years ago was to motivate womyn to believe that anything was possible, to believe that we are not our victim story, that we find Joy in the simplest things.  I wrote about marrying myself, about a staycation in this fabulous city of Toronto.  I wrote about traveling for free by working as you go.  I wrote about my home – only 400 square feet.  I wrote about my struggles with weight and with health issues, I wrote about things that confused me like people who don’t cook or older womyn who think they are invisible.  I wrote as I traveled sharing my adventures. I wrote about my grief. This past year I have been writing letters to my granddaughter Harper Rose.  I’m writing her because it fills my heart but also because I am afraid that I will forget as I age – that I will forget the fun and the stories that we are sharing together.

This weekend I found my personal beauty again – pandemic hair, a healing eye and all.  I put on red lipstick.  I put on makeup.  I polished my nails. I got dressed just for zoom.  It is a weekend Kohenet (Hebrew Priestess) retreat. It has been a long time since I saw myself in that light.  Being able to look in the mirror and smile and see me as I see me – feeling beautiful, confident and content.  I have been looking in the mirror everyday for about 10 days and saying a positive mantra and a series of things that I am blessing including my eye and my medical situation.  For 2 ½ months I have been dealing with the retina of my left eye that has detached 3 times causing significant scarring. I had to position in bed for more than 3 weeks – first on my right side, next face down and this last time face down or facing right.   “Bless my left eye, bless my medical situation and ending with I am ALREADY healed, happy, loving, wealthy, successful, confident, physically and emotionally well.  This is my affirmation.”  Every day I felt a sense of joy and well-being returning to me. 

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sweetheart. I love you.

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