I have an irrational fear of birds.  I’ve had it as long as I can remember.  I have never seen the Alfred Hitchcock movie “The Birds”.  I’ve just always been afraid. It’s silly and irrational but it is what it is.  I especially think they are going to attack my head and ears!! That will explain my plan to solve this dilemna. 

My daughter Tovah was with me in October, 2006 when I found my apartment.  She looked out the window and said that it was perfect for me since the balcony was completely netted and would keep out the birds.  We always joked that her eyes were like x-ray eyes – nothing got past her.  This sealed the deal and I signed the contract.  I love it here.  Eventually Tovah met Wesley and moved near me which was an added blessing.  She loved this Beach neighbourhood as much as I did.

After Tovah died, people including her sister Raya, said that she was visiting them as a Robin.  A robin came up to Raya and sat at her feet squawking loudly at her.  I have never heard of a squawking Robin.  I said she wouldn’t come to me as a bird because she knows how irrationally afraid I am.  Raya said that she thought she would anyway.

Just a week ago, I met with a spiritualist.  I truly believe that she made contact with Tovah.  I will write more about it soon.  She told me that Tovah wanted me to watch for hummingbirds  – especially the way they flap their wings wildly and don’t move.  There is a message there for me.  I have visited a butterfly conservatory and they also had hummingbirds.  At first I didn’t think I could go in but in the end I did and found that the hummingbirds didn’t frighten me. I was sure that this was the bird that my girl would visit me as.  I was wrong.

This morning I found a robin on my 100 square foot balcony.  Inside!!! Pacing on the railing.  Sitting on my hammock! Flying around!!  Trapped!!! I didn’t know what to think or what to do!!!  I texted Raya and my brother Peter.  Help!  What should I do???

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A few days after Tovah died, I woke at 2am and felt an incredible urge to sit on my balcony.  I felt compelled  to sit there day after day bundled up in blankets with warm furry slippers that both Tovah and I loved.  I started making my balcony my haven and I have spent hours there.  One of Tovah’s friends gave me a gift card and I used it to buy a hammock.  I bundled up and laid and rocked in it since late in April.  I often nap in it or sleep a few hours in the night.  I feel closest to my baby girl when I am on my balcony.  

This morning I found that robin – trapped and afraid.  My anxiety was over the top!! What should I do?  I wanted to do this on my own.  Face my fears.  Be brave.  My brother suggested a broom to gently nudge the bird up to rip in the netting.  Raya suggested getting someone to help or to contact my building manager.  She reminded me that the wee bird was also very afraid.  A good friend then  called me out of the blue and agreed that she could come around noon to help.  That was 3 hours away.  So what should I do?

I decided to try.  First –  a hat to protect my head.  I had a large floppy brimmed hat that belonged to Tovah. 

I then took out my Priestess Pom Poms that had been given to each womyn in my cohort at our ordination last summer. 

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Then I prayed.  I stepped out on the balcony waving my Pom Poms and she flapped her wings.  I moved toward the end where the opening was and waved upwards and out she flew!!!!!!!!!  The whole thing was less than 30 seconds.

I miss you Baby Girl.  I love you.